LDR (long distance relationship)


Have you ever heard of the saying: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? I’ve revised that. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, farther yet stronger.
In this generation, with internet and cell phones connecting people easily from one part of the world to the other, long distance relationships have become rampant. More and more people become a couple via text, chat or by the thousands of online dating sites. And as I have heard, read and even recently experienced, maintaining a long distance relationship(LDR) is never easy.
My mom and dad have known each other for almost 30 years. And since day one, they’ve been in a long distance relationship. They even met through my dad’s niece who gave dad mom’s address. Since dad was taking up college out in the province and mom lived in the city, they formed their relationship through snail mail. And as mischievous as I am, I’ve seen and (secretly) read almost all of their letters. And if people nowadays think that maintaining a long distance relationship is hard with the technology that we have, they have to think again.
Back then, before internet and cellular phones were accessible to the public, people wrote letters. Handwritten or using a typewriter, it was more personal in a way. They would then send these letters through the post office, and patiently wait SEVEN days before the letter arrived to their receiver. Then they would have to wait ANOTHER seven days, to receive the reply. Harsh right? All in all you have to wait 2 weeks to receive a reply. That is IF the person actually replies. Imagine yourself waiting for the mailman to drop off letters at your house. Waiting for a letter that may or may not arrive. Imagine writing a letter to someone, telling them to meet you at this certain place at a certain time, and you just wait there, hoping they got the message?
It was hard, but my parents endured that. Since after college my dad worked overseas, there were more complications. I read in some letters that it took LONGER than seven days for the letter to arrive. Sometimes these letters would get switched up. And worse, sometimes the letters were lost in the mail somewhere. They went through this until I was almost six years old, when we finally got a personal computer at home where we could email dad easily. So it took thirteen years before my mom and dad could communicate properly, and yet their love stood strong through the currents of life.
Nowadays we rarely hear these types of stories. With the magic of the internet, you could easily video chat them and feel like you’re with each other.You could easily update yourself on what your significant other is doing by checking out their Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. You can text them without waiting two whole weeks for a reply unless they have a good reason for doing so. But although the communication part of long distance relationships are significantly better than before, the feeling of being in an LDR is more or less still the same.
There is that feeling of facing things by yourself.  You know you can’t always depend on him/her to hold your hand when you’re about to receive important news. They’re not there to really help you when you’re in trouble because all they’ll know is how you solved the problem. You don’t have a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold on to. There is just you and a person miles away.
Missing them. There are just moments when it hits you. When there’s no one to carry your heavy bag, no one to kiss you when it starts to rain, when you go home to an empty house. It’s like you’re always daydreaming that they’re there with you. You sometimes loose focus on the things that you’re doing. You forget things, you’re easily distracted and in rare cases, your body feels unloved. Although the person is there for you 24/7, there is still that feeling that they should have been here, that they should be with you right now. It’s the hardest part of it. Knowing that they should be there with you, but they’re not.

You grow apart. As cliche as it may sound, change is really inevitable. You can’t control your surroundings, and neither can you control the surrounding of the person you love. Your interests, likes and dislikes eventually change. So does your partner. There is the risk that whenever you meet in person, you have a hard time adjusting to who they have become. Whether change for the better or for the worst, it depends upon you and your partner. No matter how many times a day you see your partner through video chat or talking to them on the phone, things change in between the times you’re talking to each other and the times that you’re not.
Keeping things interesting. There are some couples who lasted five years without seeing each other in person. There are some couples who have seen each other almost everyday of their life, yet are torn by distance all of the sudden. So how do you keep your romance at check? This is a challenge. You have to think of things to help your relationship exciting. This is where you send surprise gifts, send them e-cards or videos of yourself for them. You just have to keep the ball rolling.

Temptations. Now these are the deal breakers of long distance relationships. When you’re apart from your partner, you feel emotionally incomplete. And when a person comes along who somehow fills that emotional need, you tend to fall for them. The best way to avoid temptations as such is to remember that everything you are doing is for the future of both of you. That everyone around you who may tempt you are only temporary, just a by passer. Remember you’re committed to someone, not everyone.
Waiting. They always say that you should look at the glass half full. That means you must try your best not to think how many days it has been til you’ve last seen them. Rather, think about how near you are to the day that you would melt in their arms. Cheesy, I know, but that’s how we keep ourselves alive. We have to encourage ourselves to think of the crazy things we want to do with them when you finally meet after all this time. Knowing fully that all of your plans will fade when you see them because all you want to do is be with them no matter where the both of you are or what you’re doing.

The anxiousness of meeting. No matter how many times you’ve seen each other before, there is still that excited feeling of holding their hand again, feeling their arms around you, and even when you kiss. There is the question of chemistry, that no matter how often your communication is, it will be further tested when you meet them in person. 
The knowledge that after hello, there would be goodbye. Even when you’re together, there is that nagging feeling that you won’t see each other again for another few weeks or months. Your mind seems to teleport to the future when you’re not together and this leaves you in pieces. The hardest part really is goodbye, when there is the uncertainty of when you’d meet again. This makes the person usually scared of being with his/her partner rather than enjoying the moments spent together.
But in the end, I believe that the people who survive long distance relationships are the strongest people out there. They strive their best not to get tempted, not to fall out of love. They trust with all their heart, even when everything seems doubtful. Their love reaches out through the land and sea that keeps them apart. They conquer every obstacle, and they do their best to succeed for the sake of the other. They spend their days counting to the moment where they’d meet their beloved one. And when they gloriously meet and they have the opportunity to stay, that’s the best part. This is when we know that love really knows no distance. 🙂

Election madness!

As young as I am, I never thought I’d see such vulgarity and dysfunction to what should be a clean election. Over the last few months, I’ve seen, heard and read about the horrid things people would do just to become a politician. 
And now, a few days before the election, I am simply infuriated by the maddening thought that the people who don’t deserve to win are becoming a shoe in winning. These are the very people who buy votes, give death threats, some are drug dealers and in worse cases, people who were “cajoled” or “pressured” to run, meaning they lack the real passion to serve. This is just a disaster waiting to happen! It is political suicide for my country, and as someone who can’t vote for local and national elections, this enrages me. 
I am practically losing my mind whenever I see people posting on social media that they’re voting for the person who could turn this country into ashes and I can’t do anything about it because I’m merely 17! So for now I would be using my voice as a youth and point out and reveal everything I have encountered ever since the year 2013 started:
Early Campaigning. The official start of the Campaigning period was set on March 29 of 2013. But why in the hell were there posters and vehicles with campaign jingles running around the city before the said date? Why was I seeing walls being painted with the logos of a candidate? Were they “special” for some reason that they were allowed to campaign before the end of March?
 It just shows how someone can’t follow a simple instruction. Is this the person you’d like to vote for? Someone who can’t follow instruction? Although this isn’t actually a crime, I do see this as cheating in a way. Imagine a runner who ran before the marathon started. That’s how I see it.
Fixing the roads. Just as the month of January started to peak through, all of the sudden all of the roads that led to my school were being fixed. All over town roads that were fine before were being surrounded by bulldozers and cement fillers. They were practically fixing something that wasn’t broken. This sudden rise of “broken” roads were a big hassle every single day. 
And the fact that this started just as elections were right around the corner was rather peculiar. I knew that whoever was behind the springing of “fixing” the roads were people who needed the budget for the campaigning, or it was someone who could say “I did something for this City. I fixed something. Vote for me.” It was obvious, right in the face, and downright idiotic. But at least they followed instructions and stopped breaking fixed roads before March 29 when construction works were prohibited.
Democracy to monarchy. Now this was interesting. A lot of people who were related to a past or present politician suddenly had the guts to run for a position. That’s right. They used their family name, their parents’/siblings’ achievement in politics just to gain some fame. And this is really pa-the-tic. Although those who are genuinely passionate about filling up their parents’/siblings’ shoes in serving the country is okay, but I am referring to those who are under qualified to run for office, yet their family ties make them qualified. Those people who campaign using the family name like politics was some kind of business that they had to follow through like it was an obligation. People nowadays would do anything to get into position, even using their family ties to bring them straight up. 
Vote Buying. Although this topic has been worn out and has been a public crime, candidates are being more innovative these days in making sure they don’t get caught. They pay the owner of a house so that they could hang their posters and tell their neighbors to vote for them. They pay small stores and pharmacies to tell their costumers that they could get something free if they voted for this candidate. 
And not only do these candidates buy with money, they practically buy a person’s life for a vote. That’s right. I’ve read in so many papers about candidates threatening a person’s life, putting a gun on their face, just to make sure that the candidate would win. This is the hard truth everyone. And you as a voter should know that you have the right to say yes or no to people trying to buy your freedom to vote. Don’t prostitute your vote for something that could be burned. Give your vote to someone who could change our history books in a good way.
Celebrity friends. Now this is a crowd favorite  Just when you think a candidate has laid out all his cards, he pulls in a favor from someone who doesn’t know anything about politics, but knows a lot about corrupting thousands of innocent minds. Someone who could woo people, a puppet in a way. Someone who talks nonsense but still people would believe them. 
It is just pitiful how a candidate would pull something like this, into basically hypnotizing people into voting for them. It’s like, they can’t fool the voters enough, so they brought in an even bigger fool to tell the voters how great they are. Wake up people! These people are using their fame in a very harmful way.
So there you have it folks. Everything that was seen by this seventeen year old girl in her community. So how about it legal voters? Are you going to the ballots next week blindfolded or are you going to vote with your eyes open to the truth? The power of the people is stronger than you think. This is democracy, and we the people have the choice to make something of our country, or break it. In the end you should know, that every vote does count. And your vote, may change this country’s fate. So vote wisely.

For the love of BACA



Discriminated. Seen as too easy. “Eew”.

There was once a BSM student who came across BACA students.

The snotty girl asks them: “Anot iyo course?”

The three freshies proudly answered: “Comm Arts”

And the snotty girl said: “Eew!” And walked away.

These encounters have been experienced by many Comm Arts students. This encounter happened a month ago and the freshies told us immediately of what happened. And as proud BACA peps that we are, we researched and plotted the murder of the snotty girl. We always do this whenever people downgrade our course. We are seen as too little, as an easy course that could be passed with flying colours. Having an A in BA instead of an S makes our course look easier. But they never go through the things we do. They never experience the hardships. They never have to think of a new essay to write every week. They never face the terrifying professors who have achieved so much that they expect perfection from the students. They never feel how harsh DH professors can be. But who cares right? Their course is still more challenging than ours. And so they think.

When I was a freshie, I was oblivious to the discrimination to my course. Right until foundation day when I overheard some people saying that only 3 divisions were fighting head to head. They didn’t consider our division, which enraged us so much that we made up costumes to outshine everyone else. Our chants “Damu la kamo, mahusay kami” and “Small but terrible” made us strong. We made the gods and goddesses of arts proud of us. And for those few moments, we didn’t care about what they said. Everyone was appreciating our efforts and it was paying off. But sadly the foundation celebration only lasted one day, and soon enough people were criticizing our “KSP” costume move. But we didn’t care, we knew there was something they didn’t understand about us, and we let them talk.

Now that I’m a sophie turning into a junior, I have encountered not only students who discriminate our course, but also adults. Whenever my relatives or my parents’ friends ask me what my course is and I answer proudly, they ask me, “So ano timo magiging trabaho hito?” It just sounds insulting in a way. Sure, Bio students become doctors, Accountancy students become accountants and Comp Sci students become an ace in the computer world, but why can’t they think of a job for Comm Arts? There is a world of possibilities for us. Our job qualifications range from journalist, a front desk person in a hotel to the personal secretary of the President of the country. We have limitless possibilities, and we’d see who’s asking what our possible job is when we become the bosses of the Bio, Accountancy and Comp Sci students, not that I am downgrading their capabilities.

I have also seen discrimination from incoming freshies. Imagine that, someone who hasn’t even entered UP saying that Comm Arts was a small course! When the UPCAT results were out, it was “trending” in my Facebook feed. And I was rather shocked when I saw someone who put up a status saying “Argh. B.A. Comm Arts la ak. -.-“ I immediately corrected her way of thinking saying “Don’t downgrade yourself. Comm Arts is a great course. Welcome to hell” I just didn’t understand her honestly. She got into U.P.: The University of the Philippines. Why the hell did she sign up for Comm Arts when she’d complain when she would pass?

So why Comm Arts? What is Comm Arts?

I simply love writing. I’ve been addicted to it since I was 11. It has been my ultimate vice. And so when I was filling up my UPCAT form, I knew right away that I wanted to be a Comm Arts student. And when I passed, I was practically in seventh heaven. I was going to a great school with my dream course. Being a Comm Arts student meant having the chance to get my writing skills further furnished. Like the course of Eng 5 where we are tasked to write an essay really pumped me up. It made me realize that everything can be your inspiration: from the death of my Lolo to a snotty girl from DM. And having a teacher criticize my work on where I should improve really helped a lot. I value other people’s opinion because it is the people who would read my work. And so being in my course really helped me a lot.

B.A. Communication Arts in U.P. Tacloban moulds students to be great not only in the English language but in the Tagalog and the Waraynon dialect. It promotes that language is an important part in the community. Being a Comm Arts student means that you are being trained to become someone who can someday speak a thrilling speech or write a life changing story. It all starts with simple subjects then the final furnishing of sleepless nights and tired bodies. Your course mates become your family, and we all help each other in every way possible. We are a close knit group, filled with overflowing creative juices and captivating ideas. Our DH teachers are funny yet wise. The people you come across are the people who’ll help boost you up when you’re down.

As a freshie, you would be welcomed warmly from the first BACA meeting. Some upperclassmen would even offer you tips on what subjects you should take and who are the best professors. Sure you’d struggle adjusting yourself, but we are all here behind you. You’d be amazed with the “Kalakaran” event of the seniors, and even more amazed with the “Oblation Run”(haha). Even when you decide to shift to another course, we’d still be your friends. As a sophie, you are faced with some of your major subjects. Some terror teachers wouldn’t be a terror anymore, and in the end you’d survive. You’d be comparing English grammar to Waray. You’d have closer friends, and writing would be an ease for you sooner or later. When you become a junior, you’d get excited with the thought that you have only one year to go. There are more major subjects, more paperwork. You’d be stressed over the struggles and the on the second sem you’d have to set up Largabista. The best thing is that there are no more Math subjects! You’d have your OJT during the summer, which would give you an insight into the real world. And as you cruise over to your senior year, you are bombarded with more work to be done. And when you time for “Kalakaran” comes, you’d be “sabog” and “sabaw” and clamouring for your term papers. But all ends well when you get to wear your sash and you get your diploma. Because the things you have learned and experienced would help you boost yourself in the real world.

So you see? Our course is nothing short of easy. We struggle and we keep fighting. We fight 3.0’s, dropped subjects and terror Profs. We fight student loans and STFAP problems. We are just like any other course, not below. We are of the same level as anyone, and we are not “eew”. We deserve to be respected for the things we go through. And even after you finish reading this and you still think little of us, then it’s your choice. We would go farther than your crab mentality. We are BACA. Don’t judge what you never went through. Because what you discriminate might surprise you in the end.

Ale, pabili nang boto. (Can I buy a vote?)



A week ago I asked a friend of mine who he was voting for. Sadly enough, he answered “Whoever gives me the most money.”As a person who is not given the privilege to vote yet as I am only seventeen, I was dismayed by his answer. I was rather insulted as a matter in fact with the thought that our right and privilege to vote has been overpowered by the thought of money. Since I was a kid I was already aware of vote buying all over the town. And to this day, politicians still continue to buy the votes of the people because they patronize it.

Yes, I dare say it. It is not the fault of the politicians, but it is the fault of the people. It is clear to the masses that if a politician gives a little something on the side, he/she usually ends up winning. And so this method, although illegal, has been used every darn time an election is coming up. And like moths to the flame, the voters are bought. I see this as prostituting a freedom to vote. You get paid to willingly give your only chance to change the way of the country to someone who’d try to win the money back when he gets the position. And this is where the corruption starts; but that’s another story.

The right to vote is given at the early age of sixteen with the Sangguniang Kabataan Elections. Young leaders are cajoled to run for positions to be the voice of the youth in every town. But even what should be an innocent and clean election has also been tainted with the stench of vote buying. I had a schoolmate who ran for the SK Elections a few years back. She told me that she was a sure win when suddenly her opponent began to not so secretly giving “favours” to the voters. Against her will, she gave in to the tactic of her opponent and “bought” the people. Although in the end she won, she felt guilty for what she did. This example shows that money really does push people into doing the most grievous of acts.

Another example of vote buying among adolescents is taking the voters to a “resort” or some place that they could stay for a few days before the elections. They are pampered by the running politicians with food and accommodation. They are kept in that place for a few days and are “freed” on Election Day. This tactic is used in a lot of small towns, and has been effective because the ones who were “captured” will feel a sense of wanting to pay back what has been given to them, thus, prostituting their vote.

So at the young age of sixteen, the minds of the country’s future are polluted with the thought that money can buy everything. And when they reach eighteen and they can vote for senatorial and presidential elections, they are stuck with the same mentality, thus the success of the cycle that normally those who buy votes are the ones who lead the country to misery.

You may be thinking that you can easily just take the money but voting for another candidate. Sadly this is not the case, for there are “guards”. These are people who are paid to make sure the people who they gave money to would vote for their candidate. A lot of people are threatened if they do not vote for a certain candidate. In far flung areas, some candidates show guns and other weapons to put a scare into the people. The other day I texted my friend who was from a province, and she told me the most horrible things. The candidates really threaten to take their houses or their farm if the people did not vote for them. This is a scary thought that people should know about, because it is happening in reality.

Although it may seem too late for our country, it’s not. We can still do something in order to give back the freedom to choose who to vote without the thought of money. As citizens, we must learn to refuse the smell of money because as easy as the money comes, the easier you lose it. It’s better to have hard earned money than prostituting your freedom to change the political system of your country. Even a seventeen year old girl sees this clearly. Why can’t you?

Shedding hope (how to cry)

Everyone does it more than once in their life. For women, we do it more often than men. Or maybe men hide it better than we do. You know what I’m talking about. That moment when someone breaks your heart, when you get disappointed about something, when you’re left alone to yourself, or things just aren’t going your way? And then when you get into your room and everything just pours out? That’s right. As Buford of Phinneas and Ferb says, “sweating through our eyes.” Or in lay man’s terms, “crying”. So here are simple steps on how to cry:
Set the mood. Put on some sad music. If you’ve just broken up over a guy, play the song that best reminds you of him. If your best friend isn’t noticing you anymore, play that playlist that you made whenever you’d get together. Make sure to tell people around you to not to disturb you and warn them of weeping monsters that may appear in your room when they start hearing noises. Then go to your room, make sure to lock the door. Put up pillows around you. Turn off the lights and get hold of at least 2 boxes of tissue paper. Get a paper bag ready in case you reach to the point when you can’t breathe well. Fill a whole pitcher with water. Refrain from lighting candles as there is a possibility that you may burn the house down.
Visualize. Think about what you could have done if you won that beauty contest. Think about what you could have achieved if you aced that exam. Think about that bully that taunted you for being too skinny. Think about every detail: the cash prize received by the other contestant, the face of your parents when they find out you failed, and the pimples on your enemy’s face. If you have pictures, put them around you. Imagine everything your brain could come up with. Put up the image in your brain and don’t wipe it away.
Put away sharp and poisonous objects. Prevention is better than cure. So you better prevent tempting yourself to end your life just because your wish on a magical star didn’t come true. Most suicides are because of people crying their eyes out and the first thing they see is a knife. Stray from scissors, blades, and sleeping pills and if possible, tie your legs together and handcuff yourself.
Start crying. Don’t hold anything back. Scream, throw pillows, rip apart pictures, you can even murmur things to yourself. Just don’t hurt yourself. Say curse words, sing with the damn song, and just let things roll. Just go crazy. Just think about everything that made you feel like the lowest critter in the universe. Make sure that you let everything out, never leaving something for later. Just let it out. Imagine you’re a actress and your career depends on how you cry. Imagine you’re Kris Aquino or Kathryn Bernardo and you just lost your man to your best friend. You never know if you’re crying might get you an Oscar one day.
Clean up. Organize your desktop. Delete the files that remind you of what you just went through. Throw or give away the clothes that remind you of that person because I guarantee you that even after a few years, you’d still be reminded of the times you wore that clothing. So just clean everything up till you reach the point that nothing material can make you remember things.
Write it down. So history won’t repeat itself, write. Just free write everything you ever think about and don’t stop for a mistake or a grammar correction. Just write it all down. You can burn it, or seal it tight. You’d never know when our deepest darkest experiences may be of use someday. If you’re not that good at writing, it’s okay. No one else will read it other than you.
Move on. So you’ve cried it all out, and nothing is left. That’s a good thing. It’s better to let it out than to bottle it all in. And remember this famous mantra: you have to walk before you run. So take things slow. Don’t rush yourself into feeling better. Change is more gradual than you may expect it to be, so just take each day with hope that you may never go through it again. Do better. Everything is in the past and it happened for a reason.
And always remember, there’s always a rainbow after the rain. Something better is out there for you, and it would happen when you least expect it. The best stories in life happen when you get the courage to stand up after you fall. And no matter how many bruises you’ll get along the way, remember the people who were there for you and appreciate them. You’re not getting any younger, so don’t waste your time crying about one thing over and over. Great things are ahead, so stop putting your head down and look straight up with a smile.

Complete

In novels and romantic movies, the hero or heroine use up the whole story line because they want to find someone who completes them. In reality, my mom taught me otherwise. Now you have to understand that my mom and I don’t usually talk about love, we just love to watch sappy stories on the television. But one day, I just had a big fight with my boyfriend. My family knew about it, because the next day after our fight, my eyes were swelling from crying. Suddenly, the afternoon that they learned about the fight, my mom called me into their room. She asked a few questions, and I answered honestly. Then she said something that I never forgot since that day. She said:
                                “Before you begin thinking about getting in a relationship, you have to be complete. You don’t have to search the whole world for that one person who’d complete you. Because when that person eventually leaves, you’d be devastated because you thought that you were complete with him. No. You should find happiness with yourself, not with others. Because when you do, nothing and no one can take that away from you. You shouldn’t find someone to complete you. You have to find someone who compliments your completeness.”
And I smiled when she said that, because it was true. Most relationships now a day are too dependent on one another, looking for that romance that we see in movies. We see our loved one as someone who can make us happier than we’ve ever been in our life, not knowing that that happiness begins with you; when we depend ourselves on our special someone, we being to raise expectations. And when they fail to fulfil it, we accuse them of not being enough. This is where the fights normally start. You start blaming each other for not being happy enough, then the both of you drift apart. It’s just sometimes sad that this happens, when we could have done things by being happy ourselves. Happiness and being complete starts with accepting who you are. 🙂

Land of mirrors

As reality shrinks into a dark abyss, I find myself in an empty void. I forget everything; my name, my age, the things around me. It is as if I was born again, into a world that I can create with my mind. And in my mind, I am a baby; an innocent bag of flesh, just waiting to conquer the world with the secret insanity that I held myself with. I am pampered, and I have my family hanging at my every babble and talk. As I stagger and begin to walk, my parents held my hand. Soon enough, I began to walk on my own, eat on my own, and I begin to not depend on my family on every little thing. I fell asleep on my own bed, thinking of how cool it would be when I grow up, unbound to the chains of my parents.

As I open my eyes, I see little children running around, without a care of the world. I join them, and I become part of their world. For a moment, I do not care about everything else. I only have these children, carefree and untouched by the sore reality of the flesh world. I stay with them for a while, and I laugh so loud that some people would call me indiscreet. Then in a blink of an eye, the little kids were gone. I find myself alone again, walking along the depths, not knowing where to go. What I do know is that I have to follow my bare feet, which were having cuts and bruises because of the small rocks I stumbled upon. The strength of my sole was tested, and though I winced and cried a time or two, I kept going, excited to learn what else is in the depths of my mind.

Then I found myself in a room full of mirrors; mirrors of different shapes, of different lengths. In each mirror, I looked different. In some mirrors I was tall, in some mirrors, I was small. In some I was a blur and some I looked as naked as a new born baby. I felt stripped, I felt judged, and I ran away as fast as I could. But I could never run from them and the more farther I ran more mirrors appeared in front of me. Then I stopped and looked at myself. As I studied my body, I saw that it was developing. My mind too, was more open, more developed in a way.

I was then put in a box, a box filled with facts and numbers and the proper grammar. I was taught this way and that, and my mind grew bigger and stronger. I had developed reasoning and judgement, and when I did I saw mirrors of other people, and I began to see them from a different view. I criticized most of them, some I envied. I wanted to be a part of their world, a part of their group. I tried my best to fit in the mirrors; I even changed my structure and the way I was. I found myself squeezing in, desperately trying to be the same with the plane of their life. But no matter how I tried, I was different. After a while, I got tired. I haven’t seen my reflection every since I was fascinated by trying to be one of the people. And so I searched and searched through the mirrors, but I could not find the reflection of me. I began to wonder what I looked like, if I looked like the people I criticized. I became mad, insane, driven into finding the mirror that held my face. I began to break every glass, and I stopped looking at other people. I got bruised and hurt, and I got scars everywhere. I was laughed at and judged, but I broke all the mirrors, knowing I had nothing to lose.  And then, at the end of everything, I saw a lone mirror, standing proud and unmoved. I stopped, as my sanity returned. My heart began pounding like a maniac on drugs, and I saw my reflection in the mirror. And I hated what I saw. I was disgusted as I saw a young woman, who looked at everywhere but herself. I realized that the more I envied other people, the more I wanted to be a part of their world I didn’t have time to create my world.

And so I started over. I picked up myself, and got my head on straight. I took a part of my mirror, so I won’t forget how I looked like.  As new mirrors replaced old ones, I began not to care about them. I put my head up, and began to walk on my own. I heard whispers and taunts and names that ridiculed me, I tried my best not to care. I became stronger and mightier, able to stand on my own two feet. I learned that the things I learned in the “box” could never be enough to be able to be on my own in the land of mirrors. And at one point, I saw my own reflection again. It was on another mirror, and as I checked the small piece from my own mirror, I saw it was an almost perfect match as how I saw myself. It was a brighter mirror, with more colours and it sparkled. I smiled and I twirled at my reflection, and I felt comfortable. Low and behold, the mirror became a man. He smiled at me, and made me laugh.  And he walked with me through life. And as I began to regain my consciousness, I saw a mirror in his eyes. It was the same reflection before he turned into a man, a reflection of who I was in his eyes. As reality pinched me back into its cruelty, I held in my heart the memory of the land of the mirrors.

growing old with you ♥

The wind blows and my grey hair flutters toward its direction. I sit on our tree house with a hot cup of tea, passing the time. I look at our house, and I feel the familiarity and warmth it gave. I hear you come up,and you smile at me. In 4 slow steps you walk up to me, and kiss me passionately. You catch me off guard, making me drop my tea unto the floor. Then you show me a single yellow rose from our garden. Freshly cut. And we sit in the house, avoiding the hot tea on the floor.

Then we laugh at the times when we fought about meaningless things, and almost cried at those moments when we almost gave up on each other. Then you urge me to dance, and we dance through the silence, letting our hearts decide the song. You hum to me our favorite song, and you kiss my forehead like you always do. Then we lay down on our inflatable bed, a bed filled with countless memories of making love, playing pretend with the kids, and just sleeping side by side. We simply hold hands, wondering how our eldest is with her work, and how Junior is with his new baby. And then we would just stare at each other, eyes scanning every wrinkle, every scar that has marked our times together. We could see our smile lines, for the endless years of laughter.

Then, as it were synchronized, we kiss each other. Just a smack. Then we hug each other, enveloping each other with our infinite love. You tell me “I’d never forget that moment when I first saw you. And I will relish with you this last.” You kiss my forehead, and we say “I love you” at the same time. And then we die together, hands and bodies intertwined, peacefully, lovingly. The perfect end, to an imperfect life. 🙂

YOU ♥

Butterflies in my stomach
never seem to rest
With you by my side,
everything is the best.
 I can’t get enough of the sweet
melody of your laugh
when it’s been a long crazy day,
i can’t wait to sit on your lap.
You make me smile like crazy
In loving you, i’d do it infinitely
even if we fight night after night
i’d still yearn for your hugs that are so tight.
you’re crazy, imperfect 
and addictive
for stealing my heart
you’d never be a fugitive
you’re the one i’d always love,
even at times,
when love isn’t enough

——————————————-
Written on a small table napkin, around the time when I was just falling helplessly in love with my three year boyfriend. <3

The light


CHAPTER 1

For the nth time, Jack and I broke up. It’s the third time this month, so many times before that and I think I’m getting tired of him. It’s his ego again, just because he became student president doesn’t mean he can boss me around. Our last conversation went this way:
“Would you please grow up Taylor and just carry my bag to the gym without all that whining?” he said.
I replied with a frustrated “Well why can’t you just carry this stupid bag so you won’t hear my whining?”
“Stop being so childish Taylor. I can’t be seen carrying a bag as the new student body president”
He shot me a look of irritation, and I wanted to whack him in the head so that he can remember who his campaign manager was. Who made his ridiculous posters? Who edited his corny speech? So I answered back “If that’s the way it’s going to be then I’m tired of carrying around your luggage!”
I turned around and started to walk away when he ran after me and said 
“I’m sorry Tay. I’m such a dork. Come on babe.” I felt like I was about to vomit, he knows how I dread being called babe. So I looked at him in the eye, and said 
“Don’t you dare call me anymore. I need space from your ego.” 
So I left, and as I walked away, feeling triumphant, and I suddenly felt that I needed someone else, that our relationship was getting nowhere.
The days that came after “the fight”, I tried to focus on other things other than Jake. Like trying to find a new guy. But heck, how can I if I see him at class every day, see him during student council meetings, and we have to ride the very same bus ride home.  He’s so annoying! He keeps on texting me like a freak and keeps tagging me on Facebook with his corny poems. When we’re on the bus, he keeps on staring at me. I told him to get the hell out of my life, but he keeps on holding on. He sent me a corny “I’m sorry” message through text, with flowery words, and I just had to delete the message. Gross. He knows I hate public displays or even private display of affection.
Ahhhh…. A new guy. Cute, nice and doesn’t have a trace of a big ego. But, I keep forgetting his name. Was it Drake something? I don’t know and I couldn’t care less. I just need someone to distract me from Jack’s big ego. And maybe I’d find someone for the long run who is able to keep up with my crazy antics.
“Can’t we work this out? Please? It’s been a month.” ah. That was Jack, actually BEGGING. Ha-ha. Maybe I could give him another…NAH! Let him suffer. He saw me earlier with Mark, I mean John, I mean Ted! I’m not keeping track of my dates. His face was all red and a bit of green with a bit of blue. So he looked like an almost rainbow. Ha-ha. Served him right.
He’s becoming more desperate. He called me at my house, then he started saying sorry for all the things he did wrong. He actually had a LIST. The time we first broke up because he mispronounced my name when he dedicated me a song during prom was my favourite. He said “Thailor”. Everyone laughed while I went up the stairs and let him eat the tulip he gave me. Served him right. Then, when he wore that ridiculous t-shirt I told him never to wear when we went out. I mocked him openly all the way home. I hated it because it said:” I’m with my honey pie” I told him, “Are you that stupid? You’re so gay!” Then we broke up. Still we manage to get back together. This fight was the longest record so far, a month and a half. Huh. I kind of miss him.
After a week, he was so sweet to me, and I keep on telling him to stop sending me stupid poems. He kept on keeping it on places where other people could read it. I tried to pretend not to see it, but after classes, I always go back to the classroom and get them. He’s such an idiot. But he’s a real cute idiot.
It reminds me how we first met, during one of those fun runs that aren’t really fun. They just use the money for the school, and we benefit from it because we get exercise, blah.blah.blah. We were both freshmen at that time, and I was just recovering from my gothic stage. When I saw him I naturally thought that he would have a girlfriend. Blonde hair, gorgeous looks, big ego, and a great body. But curiously enough, he didn’t. So while I was “running”, I didn’t notice my shoelaces were untied. So, Mr. Blonde here stepped on my laces, causing me to fall. He didn’t hear me when I called out to him because he was too busy listening to music. I threw a rock at him, and that got his attention. He ran back to me and said
“What is wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? You’re the one stepping on shoelaces!”
“Maybe if you tied them, then I wouldn’t have stepped on them.”
I never thought that through, so I didn’t say anything. Then he noticed my bruised leg. When I tried to get up I noticed my sprained ankle, and I limped. Then he held me and said:
“Here, let me help you towards the paramedics.”
“It’s not your fault remember?”
“Yeah, but I just don’t want you creating a mess over the race.”
I tried to get away from him, but he was too strong. Finally I gave in and let him take me to the van. He left me alone after that, but I couldn’t forget the way he wanted to get away from me as fast as he could.
He wants to talk to me in person. Oh my gosh. I hate confrontation, especially with him because he knows how to make my knees bend. He’s that good. His friends looked like grinning freaks, and they actually stayed at the side so that they could hear what Jack and I are going to talk about.
 “Taylor, don’t you love me anymore?” he first asked me. 
I love you dork, I just can’t tell you. I thought.
“Why, does it matter?” I blurted out.
“Because, I love you Taylor, more than anyone else.” he looked serious, I wanted to laugh at him. But I suppress the urge, and replied 
“Why me?” 
He stared at me, and then replied 
“Because you give me every reason to. You hate all my stuff, but you still love me. You” 
I cut him off “How sure are you that I love you?”
“Don’t interrupt please,” I had to close my mouth as he continued.
“You want me to focus all my attention on you, you even moved my basketball practice on days that you’re too lazy to hang out with me. You like to push my friends away because you say they’re too clingy.” This comment made his eavesdropping friends give me an angry look. “You always have this talent of making a beautiful day ugly because you want that you’re the only beautiful thing I see.” I smiled at that, but I had to quickly erase it so he wouldn’t see it. Sadly, it was too late. “Did you just smile?” he asked, showing his own smile. “No I did not.” I tried not to laugh, because I sounded like I was flirting with him. “Aha! You did smile!” We both laughed this time, and he hugged me. Did I have to remind him I hate displays of affection? But, I needed to hug him back, because I really missed his antics. We’re back to this, again. 
The next day, we went to the mall so I could buy him something decent when he comes to meet my parents this weekend. I threw away all his shirt and jeans leaving his bedroom a mess. “Come on, your parents won’t judge me because of how I look like. They’ll love me like you did”
I raised my brow at him and said “You’re right. I DID love you. Right before you said that last comment.”
He laughed and said, 
“How can I even pay for all if these? I quit from my job last month.”
I took out my wallet and took out a credit card. “That’s because you’re so lazy. I’ll pay.”
He peered at the card and said “Hey, that’s your dad’s credit card.” I told him to shush, and then paid for the stupid clothes.
I drove him home, and on the way, the car suddenly stopped. I checked the gas meter, and saw that it was empty. 
“Jack, come here. Why the hell is the gas tank empty? Didn’t I tell you to fill it up?!”
He looked at me and said “No. You never said anything.”
I shot him the look that said ‘are you that irresponsible?’ I sat quietly in the car, trying to give him the cold shoulder.
 “Hey, are you ok?” he asked when he sat beside me. He got out again, got something from the back of the trunk. It was some kind of jug, and then he walked to the front trunk and filled up the gas tank. I stared at the gas meter going up, almost full. He got back inside, and then told me to turn on the car. Miraculously, the car started, and he closed the trunk.
“Are we okay now?” 
he asked as we drove back to his house. I kissed him lightly on his cheek then I started complaining about how the car was so small and that I needed him to buy me a new car for my birthday so I won’t kiss anyone else. He smiled, looked at me and held my hand. 
“Hey, I’m driving, you want me to veer into an accident coz you’re holding my hand? Geez.” I shrugged off his hand and smiled.
That’s just me and jack, hot and cold, yes and no. I drive him crazy, but he drives me crazier in love. We’re the almost perfect couple, and the almost disaster couple, but we still love each other still.
But lately something has been bothering me. I can’t avoid it, and I’m afraid Jack would see it through me. I can’t fight it, and it’s irreversible. I can’t tell Jack yet, but I will. Eventually.
CHAPTER 2
“Seriously man? Why can’t you just loose that girl? She’s so bossy!” I should have been used to Nathan’s comments about Taylor, but lately he’s been talking about her more often. “She makes you look like her maid or something. You need to take power man. You’re the new student council president; you don’t need a girl like her.” That was the final straw. I love having Taylor boss me around, but when my friends say it’s too much, I just can’t bear the thought of looking like my girlfriend’s maid.
Stupid, stupid, STUPID! Taylor came with me to the gym earlier. On the way, I kept thinking about my conversation with Nathan that I took it out on Taylor, big mistake. The next thing I knew, she was screaming at me and she was starting to walk away. I ran after her, but she gave me the stare that could have sunk titanic’s ship. I apologized a million times, but she just pushed me away. STUPID! Note to self never listen to single people!
I told my pals about it, but instead of helping me find a way to get back with Taylor, they celebrated. They bought beer and chips and told me it was bachelor night. 
“Leave me alone man. I love Taylor.” 
I stood up and began to leave. I know those boys will forgive me someday, but I wasn’t so sure about Taylor doing the same. I need to step up the game.
The next few days, I kept a safe distance from Taylor, but still I can’t seem to avoid her. It’s like destiny is pushing me to her. So, I started sending her small poems, making my Facebook statuses obvious so that she was sure to see it. But what do I get? Being pushed away farther. I need to woo her again.
I just bought Taylor a new bracelet to replace the one she threw at me during class earlier. It got shattered into pieces, like she actually cut the pieces herself. It had our initials, so I had another one made just like it. As I headed out of the jewellery store, I saw Taylor waking on the other alley with another guy. I stared at them as she got to the guy’s car. Blood rushed to my head, and I felt dizzy. That guy doesn’t have any right to be with her! He hasn’t gone through all the humiliation she made him go through just to prove he really loved her. I’ll get her back.
It was only a 3 years ago when I first met Taylor and it was definitely NOT love at first sight. She was gothic then, still finding her true identity. She was so tough, so lonesome. She loved black, and every day she liked to get mad at someone. She was still struggling because her parents just had a divorce and I was trying my best to avoid her. It wasn’t until last year, when she bloomed into someone else. She began talking and actually communicating to other people. She began to wear other colours, and began participating in different activities.
Then the guys dared me to ask her out. I recently broke up with my ex, and they wanted me to try someone else. It went great at first, but then she found out it was all a dare, and tried to break it off. But then I already grew attached to her, and begged her to stay. But then she began to act weird, always paranoid that I didn’t love her. She became someone else again, she began to always test my patience and piss me off. But I grew more in love with her that I couldn’t bear the thought of my life without her. Every time we broke up, I always try to lower my pride and be the one to say sorry. But this break up was killing me, shredding my very being when I can’t spend a day without her. I need her back.
After almost 2 months, she still wouldn’t budge. She still couldn’t forget everything I’ve ever done. She actually made a blog about all the words I always mispronounce and misspell. Then she started writing about all these guys she’s been dating, all whom made me vomit at every cheesy description. I knew she didn’t write the entry as she hates cheesy words. She’s just trying to make me jealous. And why would this pretty face of mine be jealous of some rebound guy? Ha. (Hide jealous streak)
One night, I couldn’t take it anymore. I dialled Taylor’s number and waited for her to pick up. When she did, I took out my old notebook and started saying sorry for all the things I’ve done wrong. After the confession that actually lasted two hours, she finally got her turn to talk. “What are you trying to say here jack? That we need each other? Because we’re perfectly imperfect? That we still love each other even though we make mistakes? I don’t need this drama” then the line went dead. I don’t know what else to do or say to her. I miss her badly.
My friends cajoled me into going to blind dates, trying to help get my mind off Taylor. Last night was a disaster, as I realized later that I sounded like the needy boyfriend. A needy EX-boyfriend. There was this one girl, Cris, who was a complete opposite of Taylor. She actually loved romance, liked reading books and didn’t spend too much time on technology. She was so nice at first, but kissing her was like kissing a dead body. She was a bit conservative when it came to a simple kiss, and doesn’t like being messy. I missed being snuggled up with, though I get my ribs hit, at least Taylor knew how to kiss. Huh. I miss her more.
I felt guilty about dating someone else even though I still loved Taylor, so the next few weeks, I wanted to go personal again with her. I sent her short poems, in places she was sure to notice. But she always seems to have the upper hand, always trying to find a way to avoid my poems. Huh. But I guess someone else is enjoying my poems. Because every time I go to the classroom to take back the poems, they were always missing. Good thing someone appreciates my poetry.
“Come on. Don’t tell me you’re afraid of her NOW. You’ve been with her for almost a year, you know her.” Against all their will, my friends told me to try to get back with Taylor, like I haven’t tried that one before. They say confront her face to face, that they’d be there behind my back. Ugh. I sent one of them to tell Taylor I needed to talk to her. She agreed. Maybe she thought of finally telling me I don’t have a chance anymore. Here she comes. And there my heart goes. Relax, I tell myself.
I tell her everything I needed to say, with all honesty, though it was awkward with my friends around. During my big speech, I caught her smiling. My heart did a leap. At last, I thought, my one and a half month of torture is over. She’s so cute when she denies she just smiled. My friends told me to kiss her already, but I just gave her a hug instead. Save the kiss for later.
That night, we went out to celebrate our anniversary. Did I mention that our anniversary was today? Well, Taylor still wanted to celebrate it, even though there’s a 2 month gap. She said “It’s still the same. We got back together, it’s not like you asked me out on a first date.” We went to this new restaurant in town, and bribed the receptionist because we “forgot” to make a reservation.
“So, what do you want to eat?” I asked her.
“You first.” she said, still looking at the menu. The waiter came and I gave our orders.
“I thought I told you I wasn’t finished choosing my order? What did you just tell that waiter?” she said, looking mad and confused at the same time.
“I didn’t have to wait for you to tell me. I know you wanted the chicken” I knew it was her favourite, and I saw her features relax.
 “Thanks.” she said with a smile.
The night went great so far, and after dinner, we went home coz she needed sleep for school tomorrow. “Thanks for a great night Jack. Although the chicken was a little dry and the gravy tasted like a thousand years, I still enjoyed it.” 
I held her chin and gave her a goodnight kiss. I will love you forever, the kiss said. 
“Whoa.” she exhaled after the kiss.
 “I’d say. That was the best kiss so far.”
She looked at me and said, “Why, have you kissed that much girls?” she raised her brow as I jokingly replied, 
“Yeah. But you’re the only one who’ll kiss me where I never want to stop.” 
She punched me lightly on the face and went inside.
“I love you.” I said as she closed their door. I jumped in happiness that I almost tripped and land on a dog’s waste. Ha-ha. Small price to pay for the happiness I’ve just felt.
A week later, she took me out shopping, after she almost destroyed my room looking for new clothes. While we were cruising around, I bumped into someone. It was Cris. Taylor was in the rest room, so it gave us time to talk.
 “So, how are you?” I asked. Her face looked like it aged a bit, and it was obvious she was crying. 
“What’s wrong?” I had to ask.
She started crying, and said between sobs, 
“You know how frustrating it is, to spend a great week with someone, then you never call them back?Then you see them with another girl, just having the time of their life?”
Then, I suddenly remembered that I told her I’ll call her, but I didn’t actually mean it. 
“Look, I’m sorry Cris.” I said, trying not to sound shallow.
“Why did you even kiss me if it meant nothing to you?”
 I stared at my shoes and said “I’m sorry. I just got back with my girlfriend. I…”
Taylor came from behind my back, saying “let’s go Jack. Uh, who are YOU?”
Cris nodded at me and walked away. “Well she was rude. Who was that Jack?”
My gaze followed Cris’ steps, as she sobbed. 
“Why was she crying?” I looked at her.
 “I don’t know. She was definitely weird.”
She looked at me with suspicion in her eyes. 
“Are you sure you don’t know her at all?”
I smiled at her and said, “I’m sure.”
After the party at her parents’ house, Taylor wanted to go to the park for the rest of the afternoon. I waited downstairs while she went upstairs to change. She came down five minutes later, light make up on and wearing a yellow dress. I’ve never seem her this pretty. She’s always been beautiful to me, but she looked like a princess that any guy would be proud to show off to the world.
“You look so beautiful” I told her when she reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Thanks. You know I don’t wear this often.”
I nodded as we went outside. During the car ride to town, she sat quiet, like she’s thinking about something.
“You ok?” I asked her.
“Um, yeah” she still looked sad, and when I held her hand, it was so cold.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” I asked her again.
She nodded as she stared out the window.
CHAPTER 3
I sit here in Jack’s car, looking like a fool in a yellow dress. I try not to make it obvious that something’s bothering me, but he seems to notice. He always seems to know what’s up. Huh. I wonder what he is thinking about this very moment.  I try to be as behaved as I could possibly do, and it wasn’t so hard to do. I just keep on opening and closing his windows and turning off and on the air-conditioner of the car. Huh. Say something, whispered to myself.
“Did you say something?” He said, glancing this way. Huh. He knows me too well!
“Uh, nothing. I just hope it doesn’t rain” I’ve been staring outside, and the skies were growing darker.
“Want to go home?” he asked, reading my concern about the weather.
“It’s ok. Maybe it will go away later.”
 As we got out of the car, I got out my umbrella and started walking towards him.
 “Are you sure you still want to take a walk? I mean, we could always come here another time.” 
He watched the gray clouds coming in, so I answered
“Yeah. I need a breather.” He smiled at me and said
 “Feeling weird seeing your parents in one roof?” I looked at him, and nodded. We were by a big tree now, with a bench adjacent to it.
“Want to sit down?” he laid his jacket on the bench, as we both sat down. 
“What’s wrong? I know something’s on your mind. What is it?” 
he looked at me intently as he waited for my answer. Ugh, why can’t I tell him?
“I have something important to tell you,” He seemed to hold his breath as he waited for what I had to say.
“Jack, I’m sick.” he stared at me and asked
“What do you mean sick? You look fine to me.” 
his voice was full of concern. Ugh. I feel so guilty for pouring this to him! I looked into his eyes and said
“I have an irremovable brain tumour. And, I don’t have much time.” 
The tears started to flow, while he took the news in.
Then, he started saying things like “What do you mean brain tumour? Like cancer?”
I nodded. The tears have flowed more.
“What do you mean you don’t have much time? Are you saying you’re leaving me in this earth dwelling, looking for lost love?”
I couldn’t stop giggling from his statement, putting poetry in the things he say.
“What?  You think I’m being funny?” 
I nudged his chin up with my elbow and said
“I love you Jack. You know that?” tears started to flow again.
He drew me to his arms and said 
“I love you too Tay.” 
he pulled me closer for a kiss, just in time before the rain started pouring in.
CHAPTER 4
“I’ll be here for you Taylor. Don’t worry.” 
I assured her before she went in for chemotherapy.
Taylor’s been crying since last week since she told me she had a ‘sickness’. It’s been frustrating to always see her cry, but I needed to be there for her.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m afraid about you; maybe you’ll get mixed up with a sex change patient for wandering around the hospital” 
She joked.
“That’s the Taylor I know.” I thought aloud.
“What did you think? You’ve been dating someone else?” 
she said in her sassy voice.
I gave her a kiss on the cheek right before the doctor came in. She gave my hand a squeeze and said
“Don’t go wandering to some other girl’s room okay?” she gave me a teasing smile as she got wheeled away.
It’s been two hours; I’m still lying here in the hospital waiting for Jack. I kept texting him, but he doesn’t reply. Where is he? I try to relax as the doctor instructed, but Jack’s been keeping me worried. I fell asleep because of the medicine. I wonder where Jack is.
“Shhh. She’s sleeping you guys. Don’t make too much noise.” 
I gathered all of Taylor’s friends and cousins for the past two hours. We decorate her room while she slept, looking like she’s been worried or something.
A while later, she woke up, “Surprise!” Her face lit up and she smiled. I came round her bed and kissed her head.
“Sorry I kept you waiting. Your friends were hard to find.” 
she gave a small nod, and took in the sight if the room. It was full of get well soon balloons, flowers and pictures. Tears swelled in her eyes as I gave her a rose.
“Really Jack? A rose? How unoriginal can you be?” 
everyone laughed as she sat up, arranging the flowers in the vase on the dresser.
 “Thanks everyone.”
After everyone left, Jack stayed for the night. He’s been so sweet to me, and I’m learning to appreciate everything he’s doing for me. It painfully makes me wonder what his life would be if I… Well, whatever his future will hold, I hope it will be the one I never experienced. Any guy would have left me in a heartbeat on knowing that I’m dying, but he stayed through. He’s sleeping now, his hands on my bed, and I try to reach for the remote from the table in front of me. One move woke him up and he reached for the remote as if he knew what I was reaching for, like he read my mind or something, weird. Or maybe he was going for the remote, but then he saw my hand; so much for my fantasy.
The days that followed were a blur. I had to always be in time for chemo sessions, and sometimes Jack and I had to postpone our dates so I won’t be late. Yet, he always understood. I had to stop going to school, because what was the purpose of attending a graduation day if you’re rotting to death? Jack still went to school though, after I told him his life had to continue even if I wasn’t there. I got in and out of the hospital lately, and I was getting tired of it. I begged Jack to take me someplace else, but he just loves me too much that he doesn’t want me to die faster. Huh. It makes ME want to die faster.
“Come on. It’s just the weekend” I cajoled Jack.
“I told you already, you need rest.” 
I felt frustrated after 3 hours of trying to convince him to take me out if town for the weekend. 
“No. Can’t you see your still here at the hospital, attached to 2 medicines?” 
I shot him the look of desperation, and said
 “Yeah. I can see that. You’re not the one stuck here for more than a month.” 
I rolled my eyes and turned my back against him.
“Taylor,” he walked to the other side of the bed. “Why do you want to leave so badly?” I looked at the ceiling so he won’t see my tears.
“Because, I have only less than a year to live and I don’t want to die inside this stupid hospital around a bunch of strangers!” 
He held my chin and moved it towards him.
 “You really feel that? Well, let me tell you my side” 
he knelt down so we were face-to-face. “It’s frustrating to see the love of my life slowly being taken away from me.” I stared at him and said
“Love of your life?” 
he nodded and kissed me on the head. 
Then I said 
“but I don’t want to be the love of your life. Cause I can’t imagine you loosing me then you jumping to hell just to see me.” 
I turned to face the other side of the bed, and pretended to sleep.
She’s got her back turned and been lying still for 3 hours, and I’m losing my patience. I’m getting tired of all her nonsense, and really want to talk to her already. I was about to go out the room when she sobbed
“Jack, what are you going to do without me?” 
I got went to her side, and saw her tears. But as I got closer, I saw that she was sleeping, her eyes closed shut though tears flowed through them. I tried to wave my hand across her face to check if she was really asleep. She didn’t blink. And so I kept listening to her murmurs.
 “You’re full of hot air Jack. You’re so full of it!”
I didn’t need to hear that, so I started for the door again, when
“I love you Jack, In this life and the next.”
It melted my heart, so I went back to her side of the bed. I stared at her features, her nose, her eyes and lips. I caressed her face then moved to kiss her on the cheeks. Just then, she punched me. She got startled as I was.
“Ouch. What did you do that for?”
 I started to wonder if she was really asleep.
“For startling me stupid.”
She opened her eyes and said
“What are you still doing here? I thought you’d be out already, looking for a rebound girl.”
She raised her brow and added
“Or maybe you already found one and you weren’t her type.”
She let out a little evil laugh. I punished her with a kiss on her lips, and let her sleep.
I’ve been staring at the wall for the last two hours, remembering the words the doctor told my mom. I wasn’t suppose to hear them talking, but I rolled my chair to the door. I took off all the wires from my body and slowly tried to walk to the door.
“She’s been getting worse, and we’ve tried everything to help her stop the virus, but, things just turned for the worse. She has only less than a month to live.”
All my plans, all my dreams, all crushed by a stupid sickness. My body collapsed to the floor, and I tried to crawl back to my bed. My mom heard the noise, and came rushing in to help me back to my bed.
“Taylor Johnson! Would you please be more careful? And why did you remove the wires? Do you WANT to die faster?”
 I’ve never seen her crying before, and now her eyes were swelling with tears. I obeyed her and got into bed, realizing that it wasn’t easy being the mother with a dying only child.
“I’m sorry mom.”
It was all I could say, because I started to realize what kind of child I was. I hated her for making me leave my dad, but now I understood she only did it so I didn’t have to grow up with my dad’s drinking. A tear fell from my eye. She wiped it away and said
“No crying now, okay?”
Her voice was shaking, like she could collapse anytime like I did. I love my mom. I can’t believe it took death to realize that. 
Chapter 5
Her last few days were counted. Jack gave her all his time, after he graduated. Everyone prepared themselves to whatever could happen. But the worst was yet to come. Taylor suffered a minor heart failure, but was quickly revived by the doctor. She was completely paralyzed now, and her medications were of no use. Finally, the doctor told them what they have been expecting
“She has only until tomorrow to live”
As tears flowed and words were preciously said, Jack stayed at her side, hoping that maybe she would wake up before saying his last goodbye. He took out his list, a list of all the best times they spent together. He spoke to her, hoping she was there to listen.
“Remember the time during Halloween when we dressed up as zombies? We scared the heck out of those trick or treaters that some of them never came back.”
He felt her hand move from beside him, and he caught a glimpse of her smile forming at her lips. He immediately ran his fingers through her bald head, and kissed her forehead. With tears in his eyes he said,
“I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done wrong. I’m thankful that I stepped on your shoelaces. I’m thankful that I was welcome in your life. I love you Tay.”
“Even when I’m dying you’re just so corny”
He looked at her in the eyes and saw that they were sparkling, and he kissed her lips softly.
“You’re my light Jack.”

“And you are mine.”

“I love you.”
She said, smiling at him at the same time.
“I love you more.”
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Jack woke up with a start. His alarm went off with a long beeping sound, and he lay awake, his head throbbing from his dream. He checked his phone, and for the first time ever, he smiled when he saw he had 50 missed calls from Taylor.