Category: imperfect is beautiful
The light
Illusion
i stretch out my hand
you hold it tight
i hate how all of this is a lie
i hate how I know it’s all pretend
everyone else smiles at us
my heart crumbles,
all this madness has to end.
you tell me “I love you”
and I can’t answer
i look at my friends,
and I grudgingly say “I love you too”
i realize every moment with you
becomes a lifetime of regret
I’ve become a liar
A player of hearts
Torn between pretend
And stupid reality
They say you’re perfect
But I say you’re not
You’re just a stupid dream
An illusion,
An actor in my world
Just playing the part of my prince charming.
Your cruelty knows no bounds
whenever we’re alone
You kill me with your words
Your actions are no different
How I wish I was never bethroed
How I wish I never said “I Do”
This madness has to end
I have to leave your treachery
And go back to reality
A place where I could be safe and sound
I would be happy,
not having you around
Yesterday’s tragedy
A broken heart. A mind-bending twist. A story better left untold.
I looked around at the shattered pieces of my mom’s wedding vase. I couldn’t help but cry, and I see blood flow from me. I was trying to remember what got me here, and my head ached and suddenly I blacked out. It wasn’t the best state to be found in, but that’s how John found me. Half dead, blood everywhere, and broken glass surrounding me.
A forgotten promise. A subconscious pain.
“Katy,are you okay?”
his voice echoed through my brain, as my eyes fluttered open. An undeniable scent of air freshener filled the air, and the walls were plain white. I tried to move my right hand, then I realized that I was hooked on to something.
“Jo-John?” I managed to mutter.
He immediately let out a sigh, and held my left hand tightly. He stood up to call the doctor, and went back in. I felt a pang of sharp pain on my stomach, and as the pain subsided, the doctor came in. He wore a foolish smile, as he saw me awake.
“Mrs. Katy Jones. I see you’re awake now.”
I squeezed John’s hand as I felt another pang of pain.
“You’re stomach?”
The doctor asked, and I nodded immediately.
“It seems like your baby is still twisting knots inside.”
My heart dropped. I felt blood rush to my head. Baby?!
“I forgot to congratulate you by the way, you’re eight weeks pregnant.” The doctor continued.
I felt like fainting again. A BABY?! That’s when I remembered. John isn’t supposed to be here. He’s the devil who put me in this state in the first place. He has to leave before-
“Oh, and Mr. Jones, please do take care of your wife. This accident shouldn’t happen again.” The doctor concluded and finally, he left.
A beautiful lie. An ugly truth.
“John, I can DO this. Leave me alone already.”
He kept helping me with my breakfast like I’m some retard.
“Stop it okay? Go home.”
I gave him a sharp look, and I continued eating on my own.
“For pete’s sake Katy! Let me at least help you with something! I don’t want to be a useless father!” His voice echoed through the room, and I couldn’t help but feel a little scared.
“You’re not useless,” I finally said. “I just hate it here. That’s all. I want to get out already.”
I lay down my bed and started to sob. I hate crying. Especially in front of jerks like John.
“Jeez Katy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scream at you like that.”
I looked at him in the eye and asked “Do you really WANT this baby?”
He looked away, then finally said, “I’m not sure. But I want to be responsible for this kid. I want to take care of both of you.”
I felt rage creep into my skin, waiting secretly to be revealed. “We don’t NEED you.”
I turned away, not able to meet his eyes. He slammed the door behind him, leaving me to the sound of the AC buzzing.
An offered help. A beg for forgiveness.
My stomach ached throughout the month, and before each check up, I was scared that the doctor would say my baby is dead. I grew attached to the living creature lurking inside me, talked to “it” ever since I left the hospital. I had an appointment today after work, and I swear, my heart was racing when I reached for the door. When I peeped in to look at the doctor, I was surprised so see another person in, who beamed at me the minute our eyes met.
“Hello. You look surprised. I’m Doctor Jacobs. Doctor Kent went on a vacation for a month so I filled in for him.”
I slowly sat down and shook the stranger’s hand, unsure if I should trust my baby with this person.
“What can I do for you today?” He gave me a winning smile, and I only blinked at this.
“Well, I’m on a routine check up. Doc said that I had to come here every other week.” I tried not to look too comfortable, as he looked through my records.
“Well, let’s take a look at your baby shall we?” I lied down and pulled my blouse up, as the doctor scanned my baby.
“Well Ms. Kate, seems like your baby has a playmate.”
I looked at the screen and saw another head, 2 more hands and legs. I was shocked knowing I had twins, and it was hard to believe that I had 2 living things inside of me. I thanked the doctor, and gave him another handshake. He gave me that winning smile again before I closed the door.
Another life. Another hope.
When I got home, I was surprised to see John outside.
“Katy,you look, blooming.”
I smiled at him politely, and said “That’s what I get for having two kids at the same time.”
His jaw dropped to the floor as I got into the house.
“TWO?!” He exclaimed at me, wide eyed and shocked.
I sighed before saying, “Yes, two. Don’t bother even trying to help me, cause I’m going to raise them on my own.”
I walked past him and went to the kitchen, where he followed me. He ran his fingers through his hair as he went near me.
“Look Katy, I want to help you. You’re still married to me, technically. Anyway we’re just separated right?”
I looked at him straight in the eyes and said “I’ve already filed for the divorce papers, so you don’t have any right over these kids because they aren’t even born yet. You do not have a sense of responsibility over these children, nor will I ask you to. So leave me alone. You already left me once, you could do it again.”
I turned my back at him, and went up to my room. The moment I locked the door, I burst out crying, pained to see my soon-to-be-ex and soon-to-be-dad of my kids. He still has this effect on me, and I can’t move on easily knowing I’m carrying his genes inside me. The thought is nauseating. I heard the porch door click, and a moment later I hear him pull out the highway.
“There he goes babies.” I whisper to my stomach. “Daddy’s gone.”
2 new lives bloom. One intertwined with the other.
It’s been 9 months and 3 weeks since John left me. He didn’t even bother to call me even when I texted him that the babies were born. So I didn’t bother writing him down as a legal guardian on their birth certificates. The two boys were born in a beautiful May day, and my family supported me all the way.
Though I still lived in our apartment that I won in court, they visited me every other day, checking in on the twins and me. When I had to work my sister would come over and did her work at home to watch the kids. I was so thankful of my family, but slowly I felt like a burden to them.
My sister moved in after a month, and we both took charge of taking charge of the baby. Things went well until one night when her boyfriend asked her to marry him. She moved out, and I was left alone with two 3 year old boys. Joseph, the eldest, looked like his dad. Blue eyes, brown hair, and was just so hyper. Jonathan, took after me, quiet and timid, with blond hair. They were everything I had, and I cherished them both. I just hope that maybe someday, they would get to meet their dad. It may not be today, but maybe when they’re old enough to understand.
A life-threatening disease. A life, lost in the sands of time.
As I took my kids to a check up, I felt a headache. I got dizzy for a moment, but I recovered remembering I was driving with my two treasures in the front seat.
“Mama!” Joe said.
I looked at him briefly and asked, “Yes baby?”
He cutely pointed at me, and laughed. I didn’t know why, but I laughed with him. Nathan kept quiet as usual, and I know he’s nervous about going to the doctor.
“Nathan honey! Blow mommy a kiss!” I said, trying to cheer him up.
He put his hand on his mouth and kissed it and blew it to me. He smiled, just as we were parking at the hospital.
“Now you two behave ok? I’m giving you lollipops after the check up.”
They both beamed at the word, and sat down on the waiting room while I got their names listed. When I touched their foreheads to check if their fever went away, it was still very high. They were talking loudly though they were sick. When their names were called, they immediately bounced towards the clinic, and said hi to the doctor. I explained what was happening to them, what I’ve observed, and then took the boys’ temperatures.
“Ms. Kate, I suggest you let your kids take a blood and urinary exam. Also, you need to confine them already in the hospital as soon as possible”
My heart went crazy, afraid of what the doctor may say about the kids. But I did what he asked me to do, and got the twins a room in the hospital. They were both easily distracted by the TV that they didn’t mind when the nurses came in and took their blood. My family came and went, some stayed with me. The next day, the results were out. While my mother entertained the kids, I went out to talk with the doctor.
“Kate, I’m afraid my fear has been confirmed.”
A single cold sweat streamed down from my forehead, as I urged the doctor to go on.
“Both Joe and Nathan have Leukemia. The disease your father had has been passed down to them.”
Tears streamed down my face. I don’t want to go through losing someone to cancer, and now I have to loose two.
“Isn’t there a cure?Can’t they go through medication? Anything? Please. They’re all I have in this world.”
The doctor nodded, then left. The next few weeks dragged on, and I was getting tired. I want my kids off these IV’s and in my house safe and sound. But as days dragged on, the boys were getting weaker. The nurses say it was because of all the medication they’ve been getting, but a mother knows when she’s losing her own kid.
One day as I went down to the canteen to drink coffee, I saw a familiar face on the door. As he neared me, I recognized John, all bearded and yet still gorgeous.
“Hey Kate.”
That made me breakdown in a second, and he came rushing to me, comforting me.
“We can do this.” He said as he caressed my hair.
He then helped me up towards the kids’ room, and I introduced him as my friend to the kids. He immediately clicked with them, making them laugh. I’m sent into a daydream where we were an actual family. In a house, not a hospital. Just then, the doctor came in and asked for my audience. I gladly stepped out of the room, and patiently waited for the doctor to talk.
“I believe, that the children have reached their final stage. Neither any medication could help, and a bone marrow transplant is not applicable since there are no matches. I suggest you ready yourself to whatever may happen to them.”
I fainted in an instant, and I fell hopelessly to John’s arms. He was eavesdropping, and saw me fall. My children, my sweet boys.
A loss, a desperate attempt to ease the pain.
John stayed at the hospital for a few days, and I admit he began to grow on me. One night we decided to go out and get a drink, for old times sake, and to get away from all the drama at the hospital. We drank and danced a few, then we ended up in bed together. When I woke up I immediately rushed to the hospital, wanting to know how my kids were. When I arrived they were just given one of their medicines, and their faces lit up when they saw me.
“Mommy look! I wasn’t scared anymore when the doctor took my blood!” Joe exclaimed.
I smiled at him, remembering that I only had a few more moments to share with him. I went to their bed and hugged them both.
“Mommy, when are we going out? I miss all of my toys.” Nathan said as he hugged me tighter.
Then I got an idea. Since there wasn’t a way that they’d survive, maybe it was time to go home.
“Sure. Maybe tomorrow. Would you like that?”
He nodded his head enthusiastically. That’s it. We’re leaving tomorrow.
As the doctor gave his permission to let us go, I felt a sudden pang of regret. What if something happens to them at home that I couldn’t aid? But i needed to be strong. At least for the boys. John had volunteered to stay at home, and told the kids to pretend that he is their dad. The kids were happy enough, and I was happy too. He began to make me feel happy again, and most nights he did.
It wasn’t easy to cope with the fact that day by day the percentage that my kids are going to live decreases, but I had to hide my fears away. It just wouldn’t be fair to the kids. During the few weeks that we’ve been together as a “family”, the boys have been sent to and from the hospital everyday. We still didn’t have any bone marrow matches, but maybe there was still hope.
They grew weaker, and they were confined again after only 3 weeks of being at home. When they got weaker, they were subjected to life support, using a tube to give air to their lungs. It broke my heart whenever they wouldn’t respond, and I just couldn’t take in the fact that I was really losing my boys. “
This is it Kate. The last juncture for the boys. I believe we’ve done everything we could for them. You’d be the only one who could decide to pull the plug.”
The doctor said one afternoon. Pull the plug? What are my kids, a game? But as I look into their beds, I felt a strong pang of pain. They need rest. Tomorrow I’m going to do it. I set the time to 8am, and I asked the nurses to do it. End my kids’ life? I know I could never do it even if I wasn’t drugged. I spent hours just staring at my boys, recalling every moment I’ve ever shared with them. I’ve cried all night, till I fell asleep around 4am. And by the time I woke up it was too late, my boys were gone.
A new found life. A sanity lost.
“Kate, you have to make a speech for the boys now.”
My mom has been with me through the mourning, and she was the first I could call after the boys’ death. When I went upstairs I was staggering, no doubt from all the sleepless nights knowing I don’t have my boys anymore. I’ve been crying nonstop, and John stayed at my house through those nights. He also mourned for the boys, feeling a certain pang of regret of not spending more time with them.
By the time the burial was done, my head was foggy. I’ve been vomiting every morning for 3 days straight, and I haven’t got a lot of food in my stomach. I went home all by myself, telling John to go to his apartment. And that’s when I saw them. Pictures of the boys, their toys, their favorite pictures. I went crazy, throwing the stuff around. Some vases got broken, and I’ve got cuts everywhere.
My stomach hurt so bad, and I couldn’t stop crying. I’m all alone. I looked around at the shattered pieces of my mom’s wedding vase. I couldn’t help but cry, and I see blood flow from me. I was trying to remember what got me here, and my head ached and suddenly I blacked out. It wasn’t the best state to be found in, but that’s how John found me. Half dead, blood everywhere, and broken glass surrounding me.
What if?
Girl: what if you never met me?
Boy: I don’t know. Things won’t be any different.
Girl: oh.
The girl started crying, her worst nightmare realized.
Boy: hey, you ok? You’re crying.
Girl: are you still serious about me?, about us?
Boy: what do you mean?
Girl: just answer yes or no!
Boy: of course yes!
Girl: then why are we talking like this? Why are we always fighting?
The boy snapped and said:
Because we’re both tired. We’re tired of each other.
Girl: are you saying you’re tired of me?
Boy: yes! I’m sick and tired of trying to love you when the truth is that I don’t!
The girl was dumbfounded. A set if tears have flowed at this revelation. Their love…has been one fat lie.
Girl: why did you have to pretend? why did you let me believe, why did you let me hope?
Boy: I’m sick of this! We’re over!
But after that, the boy was more devastated than the girl. He needed her. He felt stupid to let her go. He wanted her back, but the girl was too stubborn.
One day, the boy called the girl out of the blue:
Boy: what if?
Girl: huh?
Boy: what if I was wrong? What if, our love story had a continuation? What if it was never meant to end?
Girl: what are you talking about?
Boy: do you still want to be with me?
Girl: why are you asking?
Boy: just say yes or no
Girl: no.
Boy: you don’t believe in “what if?” anymore?
Girl: no.
Boy: oh.
There was a long pause,then, “I love you.”
The girl couldn’t help but cry. She still loved him, but couldn’t think of getting hurt again. She never took a chance. She never believed in “what if” ever again.
The next day, the girl found out that the boy hanged himself that hour he called her. When she saw his body, blood was dripping from his arm, with the words “what if?”
Farewell, Doplhy.
Goodbyes are never easy. Especially when you’re saying goodbye to someone you dearly love, who changed your life forever.
For thousands of people, mostly Pinoys, this week has been a heart breaking one, because of a great loss in the movie industry. Rodolfo Quizon, more widely known as “Dolphy The Comedy King” died last Tuesday night. It was a culmination after 5 weeks of being in the hospital. The whole country was shocked when he was officially announced dead. The King of Comedy was no more, and people didn’t know what else the was to do. The only thing to do, was to be able to say their farewell.
Dolphy was the real joker. And to him, we were his king and queens.
For 64 long years, Dolphy loved to entertain. He made people laugh, smile, giggle and even knew how to make them cry. He knew how to tickle people’s funny bones, no matter which generation the person came from. He never failed at his art, his own genre. He was the master of his won game. Though I personally have only watched his more recent movies, I could say that he lives up to his name. He knows how to portray his character, and knows timing. And because of his years of acting, and making people laugh, making himself laugh, his face doesn’t look a day over 50.
He was like a part of a family to all, a father like figure who made people laugh.
The thing about Dolphy is that he was always a comic relief. When people had a bad day, they could just turn on the TV and laugh their blues away. And Dolphy was just the right medicine for a day full of hard work. He had this charisma that even if you were watching a very old film, you could still laugh at his jokes, you could still relate to what he is saying, and could still have fun with his shenanigans.
And now that he is gone, there would be a missing piece in the movie industry. A hole that could never be filled by anyone else other than the King of Comedy himself. His death is mourned all over the country, and for a teenage girl like me, I mourn for his loss, and I can easily relate to what his family feels right now.And most people do. We can feel for his family because in one way or another we have lost someone important in our life. For me his loss reminded me of my dearest lolo, whose name was also Rodolfo. Right now I can imagine him happy, laughing in fact, with the company of the great Comedy King.
In the end we must accept, that everything really has an end. That we must know that we have to move on with the changes life has set. And in the end, we could only just hope, that the persons we have lost are in a better place.
To Mr. Rodolfo “Dolphy” Quizon, may you rest in peace. 🙂
for the love of teddy bears
The little things
Everyday we seem to forget.
To just pause, look and reflect.
About the changes we want to set.
About the things we just want to forget.
In the fast paced world we live in,
everything has become cruel, stupid, and full of sin.
But even when we’re hurt, tired and misjudged,
We still manage to face everything with a grin.
It’s the little things that keep us going.
A child’s smile, a sweet text, or that guy you call a fling.
Even when every joy in us is dying,
we can still manage to think that it’s nothing.
It’s amazing what the human heart can bear,
even when it seems that no one seems to care.
Even when things seem unfair,
we still have more things to share.
My wedding day ♥
Sometimes I wonder, how my wedding day would go. I imagine waking up very early, or not sleeping at all. I’d be smiling so brightly, my face has this different glow, my whole body almost shaking, excited that finally, I get to start my life with the man whom I declared the love of my life. I imagine, that I’d be looking at the mirror, smiling like an idiot, like a little kid who knows she has a huge birthday gift outside. I’d take out my wedding dress, imagining how it would feel to finally be that girl who walks down the aisle, with her parents proud of her choice, her family and friends supporting her, and there’s a cute, handsome man just standing there, staring at her, maybe even shedding tears of joy, unable to utter a word as his eyes are glued to the beauty of his bride.
Then when I finish imagining I’d see myself grinning so hard that my cheeks are hurting. Then just as I finish taking a bath, I’d put on my bathrobe and a blindfold. I’d take a step outside, and I get hugged the moment I held his hand. He’s been waiting for me to come out, though he couldn’t see a thing with his blindfold. We are careful not to break the superstition, yet we both needed this gesture, our arms around each other. We kneel and overlap each others hand, as we go into a silent prayer. We thank, ask forgiveness, and ask for luck. Our hearts in sync, our hands warm, as we both resist the urge to kiss before the wedding. And when we’re done I’d quietly say, “Come on, I got to get ready. I still haven;t put on any make up.” Then he’d caress my face and say, “You don’t need it, you’re already so darn beautiful” We’d both laugh it off, and I finally get escorted back to my room by my sisters.
As I get my make up done, he’d text me all of the sudden, announcing he’s already at the church, almost 2 hours early. I’d laugh, and my heart races as the hour of our wedding draws near. The moment I walk out my room, I savor each second of being single, knowing that after a few hours my last name wouldn’t be the same. As I get into the car and arrive at the church, I’d smile, and I’d go with the randomness of the wedding. No more nights being home alone, just me and that guy in a penguin suit, ready to give up everything for me. 🙂
Me Amore ♥
He just makes me smile. He makes my heart skip a beat, my brain to go fuzzy, you know those cheesy love cliches? You know the gist. The butterflies in stomach, the giggles you do when he makes you laugh. Ah love. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it. Being such a hopeless romantic, love simply is just a mystery that human kind it still trying to solve. To be in love is great, to be loved is even better, yet to love and be loved at the same time is just darn perfect. But love is just a mere feeling, it’s the effort you put invest into it that makes the feeling last longer. There is no such thing as an effortless love, you love because you want to give that person everything you could offer, everything you could do and more, just to see that person happy at the end of the day.
Our love story is kinda cute. He first had a crush on me when he was a 1st year high school student, newly transferred from his hometown. I was in 2nd year high school that time, and as I was playing around with his classmates, he saw me, and that was it for him. He wanted to introduce himself through our mutual friend, and he was the first guy ever that shook my hand when he introduced himself. Years passed and his secret crush for me remained. Last July 2010 though, I had a slight crush on him because I admired the way he made a speech during a campaign and the way he debated. But the crush soon faded. During my last period being a high school girl, last January 2011, he got the courage to court me. He asked first on facebook. Since I didn’t like guys asking me through the internet or phone, I said no. Then the next monday, he got down on his knees, held my hand, and asked if he could court me. I was a bit shy, since it was the first time that a guy did that. So I just said “Do whatever you want to prove you’re really serious about me.” And so he did. And the rest is history.
Like most modern couples, we communicate through text. We would text all day, and even when it makes our “authorities” mad, we just try our best to keep tabs on each other. We’re not those “where are you?who are you with?” couples, we just like the thought of having to text someone who really cares about us. Our topics vary on how fast our brain works. Whatever we think about, we tell the other, just so we don’t get stuck with the usual “What you doing?” questions. We’re so open with each other’s topics. We talk about anything that we’re curious about, anything under the sun. We talk about the past and future, what ifs, i wonder why’s, sometimes we may even write a whole encyclopedia about the things we’ve thought about. That would be a huge encyclopedia, judging and recounting how much knowledge we’ve acquired from each other with our curiosity.
We could also write a bibliography about each other cause we know each other’s past. We even know the different quirks and uniqueness about each other. Like how I discovered that he has 5 adorable dimples whenever he smiles. Like how he knows I like eating a spoonful of sugar and it makes me become hyperactive. I know he can’t swim in swimming pools, yet he can swim on the beach. He knows all my ticklish parts. I know he once almost died because of his asthma. We both know we first had infatuations at the age of 4. We just amazingly know a lot of facts about each other.
Whenever we’re together, the fun is infinite. Since we know each other so well, we know how to make the other smile, and we love to goof around. It’s like our minds are connected that both of us can play along with what the other is thinking. Even when he was courting me, it seemed like we knew each other for so long, that we laugh at the same jokes, we’re both noisy when we’re together that it even pissed off my brother once. We’re both mature and immature minded at the same time, so when our immature side kicks in, the pranks, the laughter, never ends.
We play different roles in each other’s lives. We play each other’s best friends when we need someone to talk to, we play each other’s nurse/doctor when the other is sick, we act like babies when we sulk. It’s just crazy what the both of us can come up with, just to make sure we’re there for one another through whatever hardship that may happen to each other’s life.
The pick up lines. Oh yes. We still do pick up lines even though we’ve picked each other up already. It’s just so funny, some are cheesy, some are just sweet. We love the randomness of having pick up lines. His mind works so fast when it comes to pick up lines. He loves to make things up when saying pick up lines, so some pick up lines go terribly wrong. Me on the other hand, I just look at random stuff and I make a pick up lines out of them. We can be so crazy with pick up lines at times that we just end up smiling on our phones like crazy.
The most fragile yet most powerful part about us is the fact that we may not be sure where our relationship may be going, we may fall apart and live different lives in the future, yet we would try to keep what we have. Now I know at this point some people would say this is too good to be true, but it’s not. We’ve had our own sacrifices, our own bad moments. He courted me for almost a year, and I would admit I was harsh on him at times. I mean, really harsh. I liked to test if he really loved me, and I tortured him. Yet at times we talked like best friends. When we became official, surprisingly he didn’t take out revenge for what I did to him. Instead, he proved more how much he loved me. Me, on the other hand, had my own sacrifices to make. When we had fights I got hurt being a girl, and I wanted to burden all the faults. The first part wasn’t easy, because we had to adjust to each other’s differences. We even had a whole week just fighting, trying to really get to know each other in another level. It was hard, yet seeing where we are now, it was worth it.
Being in love, is just an indescribable feeling. It drives me crazy, mad, happy, depressed, and all those other feelings. Sometimes, you doubt if it’s true or just a joke, yet you still try to seek the feeling. I guess love is the very huge package you receive that is filled with infinite surprises. It maybe a negative or positive surprise, but it will turn your life around like you never expected it to be. With me and Anthony, I guess we’d just try until there’s nothing left to fight for. And even if everything breaks and crashes to infinite pieces, at least we loved. 🙂